A Story of Self-Acceptance
Like all good viewers, I was outraged by The Traitors. I withstood the brutal tactics and predicted most of the sucker punches. But one moment of weakness changed everything. I was blindsided… by the one and only yourself.
I tried to enjoy the show without engaging in pettifoggery. There’s more to life than grammar. I let any irrational thoughts drift away and had no qualms about the use of ‘me’, ‘myself’ or ‘I’. Then, it happened: another vote, another second-person singular reflexive pronoun. This ugly, pedantic thought of mine was now intrusive, with no sign of dissipating. Yourself must know what I mean!
Every time I heard ‘I’m voting for yourself’, my horrid little inner prescriptivist winced so much that she wished she had a beautiful blunt fringe both thicker and longer than Winkleman’s, for aesthetic purposes as much as to cover any outward display of consternation. Reluctant to be labelled a total curmudgeon, I sought reassurance from friends and family. Some were irked, but mostly by erroneous spellings; ‘yourself’ was a non-issue. I urged them to avoid the US iteration of The Traitors at all costs, as no one wants ‘Jeryldean’ as the catalyst of their undoing.
I realised that something needed to give. As part of my ‘self’-acceptance work, I delved into the wonderfully murky world of language change.
You and Me, We Used to Be Together
I hear ‘yourself’ and ‘myself’ used incorrectly creatively all the time but is this just another example of the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon1? Google Search indicates that the non-standard phrases ‘How about yourself?’ and ‘What about yourself?’ are approximately ten times less popular than their grammatically standard counterparts containing ‘you’. This doesn’t seem too wild.
According to Google Ngram Viewer, however, the use of ‘myself’ and ‘yourself’ has been steadily increasing since the early ‘90s. Many of the results are self-help books. Interestingly, the prevalence of words with the prefix ‘self-’ such as ‘self-awareness’ and ‘self-validation’ has been rising at a similar rate. Perhaps all this introspection and soul-searching is impacting grammar as well as vocabulary.
Another Google Ngram Viewer search piqued my curiosity. I found an inverse correlation between the frequency of use of ‘yourself included’ and ‘you included’ since the turn of the millennium. ‘Yourself’ is on the rise, and ‘you’ is on the decline. Sweaty-palm flashbacks of awkward, grammatically questionable interactions in hotels and workplaces aside, that’s all the data I have.
Who or What Can We Blame?
1. No one:
Language changes in response to human needs. It is a reasonable assumption that ‘you’ are is simply no longer fully fit for purpose. Latin and French both had their way with English grammar and left it in a right old state! Some grammarians like to peddle the idea that pronouns are uncomplicated. I disagree; simple things don’t tend to cause this degree of confusion and controversy.
2. Britishness:
Disappointed with my data findings, I redoubled my efforts and resorted to some shallow digging in carefully selected, esoteric corners of the internet. Success! Many grammarians support the notion that ‘you’ is commonly perceived as too direct, stark and abrasive for many confrontation-averse Brits and their indirect communication style. ‘Yourself and Joanna can work on the improvement plan’ apparently sounds softer than ‘you and Joanna’, despite the former being non-standard.
3. Pedants:
It would be delightfully ironic if language snobs and prescriptivists were to blame for the rise of non-standard grammar. What appears to be a ‘mistake’, might be an intuitive act of rebellion against years of corporal punishment and rote learning. Or hypercorrection could be at play. If Gareth invites you to ‘join Mollie and I’, he’s probably inadvertently overcompensating because he thinks ‘and me’ is wrong. If the invitation is to join ‘Mollie and myself’, perhaps he’s a no-nonsense sort of guy and is shrewdly avoiding the ‘me or I’ conundrum altogether.
4. Capitalism? Hear me out.
Alas, it has permeated every element of life, including language. Generally, language has become more transactional. I was told to ‘sell myself’ better during my short stint on dating apps while I was ‘on the market’, presumably because my ‘personal branding’ was off! Meanwhile, business language is becoming more humanised. We no longer ‘buy products’ or ‘target an audience’, we ‘support businesses’ and ‘grow a community’. This isn’t a coincidence. It’s insanely strategic.
The current capitalist agenda relies on promoting pseudo-individualism and personal agency to trick us into feeling good about being trapped in consumerist cycles. This is shaping how we speak. The persuasive ‘yourself’, part of so-called ‘Apprentice speak’ and reinforced in many corporate environments, demonstrates capitalist society’s power over language. Certain customer service and sales training manuals are replete with peculiar language tips that extend beyond the patronising overuse of forenames and obscene levels of eye contact. (‘Yes, David, you know, David, it’s true. Let’s have another look now, David’). If it’s true that flattery and overly polite language are used to manipulate and disarm others to ensure complicity, it might explain why I had to eschew Depop for my own sanity. The ‘no rush hun x’ and ‘take ur time bbz’ DMs pressuring me into discounting items were too much.
Are ‘Myself’ and ‘Yourself’ Official?
The Cambridge Dictionary states that we ‘sometimes use reflexive pronouns instead of personal pronouns for politeness […]: The National Trust is a charity depending on the support of people like yourself.‘ The Oxford Learner’s Dictionary acknowledges ‘yourself’ as a polite or formal alternative to ‘you’, with the caveat that ‘some people do not consider this use to be correct’.
But dictionaries are largely irrelevant. While the OED plays a role in recognising and documenting words and claims to be ‘widely regarded as the accepted authority on the English language’, it has no official status or prescriptive authority.
English is a progressive, unfettered, ever-changing language that continues to exist without a formal regulator. And rightly so. It is not a government’s or institution’s prerogative to decide how people should speak. Language is arguably the most democratic element of the United Kingdom at present; it is made by the people, for the people, about the people.
Cutting ‘Yourself’ Some Slack
The umbrage I’d taken to the polite ‘yourself’ was excessive but I do not believe that ‘you’ is rude. Poetry and journals notwithstanding, I’ll be mostly sticking to commonly accepted grammar conventions in my work but, in the name of free speech, I might just send a few ‘How’s yourself?’ messages after a glass of wine on Friday.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic and I’ll leave you with this conundrum…
On The Traitors, if ‘yourself’ was used to ensure politeness and minimise upset to fellow contestants, then what was the thought process behind the incorrect spellings of forenames?
TL;DR: English belongs to all of us. We can use it how we like, especially when speaking. This will likely cause disagreements sometimes, but surely that’s better than submitting to government control of language.
- Also known as the frequency illusion or frequency bias, this is when you notice something more often when it is already on your mind, perhaps because you have just become aware of it. ↩︎